Happy Canada Day to the Americans

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Taken from a board elsewhere. 

Happy Canada Day to the Americans

Americans are heading over the border in droves this weekend to help us celebrate Canada Day and remind us why the Fourth of July is much, much better. As we know, they are inquisitive and have a need to know. In fact, most feel they have a God-given RIGHT to know. With that in mind, here are some actual questions asked by American tourists in Banff. Yes, they’re ALL TRUE as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff. You can’t make this crap up. (The answers in brackets are suggested answers that were never actually supplied to tourists. Damn Canadian manners!)

1. How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the “Elk Crossing” signs? (They read better than tourists do.)

2. At what elevation does an elk become a moose? (We’re not sure, but we’re told the elk has to be really, really high. I would say at least a 26 ouncer or a dime bag.)

3. American Tourist: “How do you pronounce ‘Elk’?” Park Information Staff: “‘Elk.'” American Tourist: “Oh.”

4. Are the bears with collars tame? (Yes. Smear honey on your hands and face … they love to lick it off.)

5. Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose? (Absolutely. Get yourself a copy of Playbear Magazine. If you want to see them pose live, look for the large brown bear with the hump on his shoulders. These are the best posers. If possible, play with their cubs – they pose better when you do this.)

6. Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? (Either is good. Rub it all over yourself first though to keep the behemoth mosquitoes away.)

8. I saw an animal on the way to Banff today — could you tell me what it was? (Yes. You’ve heard of a Mule Deer? A white-tail deer? That was a John Deere. Be careful, they eat Americans).

9. Are there birds in Canada? (Not any more. The John Deere ran into a drought of Americans and went straight for birds)

10. Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (Yes, among others.)

11. Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? (To Albertans, there is no beginning or end there is only Alberta. You Bible belters will be familiar with the “Alpha and the Omega”. In Canada it’s called the Alberta and the Smegma)

12. Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? (Yes we do, but you can’t have it. We would normally give you a map for the State of Confusion, however they all got sent to the White House just before the Iraq invasion)

13. Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? (Definitely Saskatchewan. The best Saskatchewan French is spoken in outhouses in February by brass monkeys)

14. If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario? (No, just Toronto because that is generally considered the “Centre of the Universe”.)

15. Which is the way to the Columbia Rice fields? (Go to the Panama Canal and keep going until you reach Colombia. You won’t find rice fields, but the important point is, that you keep going.)

16. How far is Banff from Canada? (It depends where you are now, and if you mean kilometres or miles)

17. What’s the best way to see Canada in a day? (From space)

18. Do they search you at the B.C. border? (I wish we did. We’ll suggest that we start).

19. When we enter B.C., do we have to convert our money to British pounds? (Yes. And ounces)

20. Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one, don’t they? (No, some Canadians wear toques, which is racoon hair woven together, so technically, still a racoon hat. You can’t buy them. You have to be born here and you are issued one at birth from the Queen with your secret Canadian healthcare decoder on it. Sorry)

21. Are there phones in Banff? (Yes, but Albertans don’t know the alphabet or numbers so they can’t use them).

22. So, it’s eight kilometers away… is that in miles? (No, that would be in furlongs).

23. In America, we’re on the decibel system, you know. (Yes we know. We are reminded of your decibel system every time we hear you talking on a cell phone, to a serving person or in our restaurants and theatres.)

24. Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost? (Based on what we see, that ship has already sailed. Pretty much anywhere would be our guess).

25. Is that two kilometers by foot or by car? (No, that’s by how the Pack Mule flies … at night, as you will discover)

26. Don’t you Canadians know anything? (Well, compared to whom? Actually, that would be hard to answer without being rude, and you know how we Canadians are).

27. Where do you put the animals at night? (Sky corrals. Did you think to look up at night?)

28. Tourist: “How do you get your lakes so blue?” Park staff: “We take the water out in the winter and paint the bottom.” Tourist: “Oh!” (We don’t allow Republicans to swim in them. Wading to the knees is the most we allow.)

Have a great weekend and remember to laugh because as David Letterman points out, “More Americans can name the Three Stooges than the three branches of government – but that’s because the Three Stooges are more likely to get something done…”

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